Sound life advice.

Choose feelings over logic,
adventure over perfection,
here over there,
now over then, and always,

love, love, love.

Today = no Valentine's Date... :(

So out of the potential group of Valentines/dates for today, I have ended up without a single one. I have to break it down for myself (and also you, the reader, in the process) so that I can figure out exactly how this is possible. As you've probably already noticed, I will never use anyone's name in this blog, I respect privacy.

Let's take a look at the options I could have had and where they went.

Loverboy #1: After vehemently pursuing me for over two years, his passion for the situation dropped off dramatically upon my paying some attention to him in return, not to my surprise at all but much to my frustration. Of course, being ignored a little only fuels the fire and for the past 3-4 weeks I have tried to contact him by phone, text message, AIM, myspace, you name it (sad, I know), only to be replied to every once in awhile. A few weeks ago I asked said boy to be my Valentine which he seemed really flattered and stoked about. Since then, my efforts to see him have been met with excuses, and no mention of the big V Day have been mentioned. Finally, after him agreeing to actually hang out last night and driving all the way to Ventura, I was stood up.
Moral of the Story: Leave well enough alone!

Loverboy #2: After dating briefly back in the fall and then a comparitively long falling-out period thereafter, contact and hanging out with with loverboy #2 has resumed. Although the first go around he seemed to be really concerned with doing everything right (amazing dates, flowers, gifts, the whole nine yards), this second one he seems to be even more concerned with doing everything wrong (and yes, I've paid for everything since). On the subject of Valentine's, loverboy #2 already had very charitable plans which I didn't think anything of, until a few text messages received throughout today asking about my plans. Wrote back and haven't heard anything since earlier this evening. Also starting to doubt he is actually being raffled off at a date auction, and in reality is probably in his living room playing Wii Zelda with his (male) roommate. That, or he's on a date with his psycho ex that he can't seem to cut ties with.
Update: Just heard from him now, says I should have told him I didn't have plans so he could have taken me out. Sure.
Moral of the Story: Too little, too late.

Loverboy #3: Upon meeting loverboy #3 six months ago at a friend's going away party, I was instantly attracted to him. Although I would never divulge his ego any more than it already is, he is gorgeous. Unfortunately his first impression on me was really bad when I tried to make conversation with him at said party and was met with a surly attitude and some hothead remark. Let's face it, this guy thinks he is a bad boy... which honestly has never been my type. Though our relationship to each other in the past few months has been strictly on a need-to-know basis (don't ask), I have always filed him under extreme hottie. Well.... LB#3 just so happened to be at the party I went to last night (that I went to after getting back from Ventura) and ended up getting "so drunk" and would only agree to me walking him home. Holding my hand and chatting the whole way, he was hardly too drunk. Totally charming, much to his chagrin.... he thinks he's all big and bad but I see right through it. Finally getting to his house, we argued for awhile (in between kissing of course) because he didn't want me to walk back alone. I literally set him on his bed and ran out the front door and down the street so he would stop fighting about it, but he followed me (I can only compare this to a puppy, which we all know is one of my favorite things on this planet). He tried to act like he was mad at me for trying to leave him but the fact that he couldn't look at me without smiling and had to look away in order to keep his stern expression made him pretty transparent. Fast forward to driving back to my apt downtown with him, after him pouting his way all the way back to his house because he wanted to come with me. After lots of making out and snuggling/sleeping, I woke up and went to work and he was going to stay and hang out at my house and wait for me. But.... guess he got too bored and had someone pick him up, which was disappointing when I came home to an empty house thinking he would be here. :( Oh well..
Moral of the Story: Yeah... actually I don't have one. He's just damn sexy.

Loverboy #4: Is driving his now-gf (soon to be ex.... I think?) to her new home across the country. Obviously out of bounds.... for now.

Loverboy #5: We had one great date (I thought) a month ago and he's been busy/out of town ever since, but did have the time to send me a mass text yesterday inviting not just me, but also my 'girls' to his Valentine's Day singles mixer. Classy. I think I'd rather eat glass, but thank you for the invitation.


Well.. that's what brings us here, to almost 10pm on Valentine's Day (note: my first single one in three years) where I am sitting here alone in my room writing a BLOG of all things and thinking about what kind of junk food I want to go get myself and eat while watching Sex and the City.

Such is life.

I am...

drunk and I shouldn't be posting.

Now that thats out of the way, I think I'm addicted to attention. I just went out downtown by myself in the hopes that I would be talked to/danced with/hit on/complimented/noticed. Is that wrong?

I ended up buying all my own drinks (minus Drewski's, thank you) but got some offers to buy me one. I had a number of dance invitations. One guy said when I was "ready to roll with the big boys" I should let him know. I gave my number to two attractive, good looking, elligible (sp) bachelors. I got many compliments.

I didn't hear from any of my friends I had hoped would be out downtown (thanks Matt). I ran into two (their twins) of my bosses at one of my jobs (they also own the club I was at). I drank lots of expensive alcohol (my wallet is unhappy).

I'm pretty sure my makeup looks hot, my lashes look real and my cleavage looks inviting. I was thankful for the attention. Now off to bed...

Goodnight....! (Too drunk to blog.. how awkward)

Anxiety Attack? Party of one?

This week has been really anxiety-ridden!

Monday I worked all day, took too long with my clients and missed the color class I was planning on going to, went home and packed, and drove to Orange County. This was all in the midst of a really tumoltuous situation with a certain friend of mine and this irritating game he plays with me.... ugh.

Tuesday I woke up and got ready, had an interview (a BIG one... please cross your fingers for me), and then looked at a bunch of apartments and houses for rent. I also met a really cute guy that I hope to be mentioning in later posts. :) Around midnight I drove back from Orange County to Santa Barbara, got home around 2:30, and went to sleep finally.

Wednesday I woke up at 9 to do my client's hair at 9:30, who was late, and it took me until 12. Then I was on the desk for the rest of the day. And my computer arrived! (exciting) I went home and set it all up and then... my internet wasn't working! Blast. Got a call from www.CoutureCandy.com (which I do styling for every Thursday) telling me that due to the fact that we had over 100 pieces to shoot today (about 4-5 times the normal amount) I needed to come in at 8am instead of 9 to start prepping all the clothes. I then spent a good portion of the evening talking to a certain somebody in OC who once again tempted me to justify staying up way past my bed time, and for the second night in a row got to bed around 2.

Thursday (today) I had to wake up at 7 to be at the office at 8, and arrived early to my surprise. Starting prepping clothes the second I walked in the door, but every time I got something done there was more added to the rack, and thats pretty much how the whole day went until 5:30 when we wrapped. Halfway through the day the makeup artist got a phone call from a photographer she works with a lot asking if she could do hair and makeup for a shoot tomorrow, which she couldn't and passed it on to me (which I am stoked about by the way, don't get me wrong) and made it clear that she is extremely picky (I'm getting there, give me a second). Around 1:30, I got a text from my ex-boyfriend (who I haven't exchanged a word with since before Christmas and have been really good about putting him out of my head ever since) saying that he left my spare car key at my apartment under the mat, which threw me for a loop (he was at my apartment??). Finally got home around 6:45 after frantically running around buying supplies for the shoot tomorrow and also for the 4 makeup appointments I'm doing on Saturday for the wedding (more on that in a second) and for making myself extensions to wear to said wedding (yay!). During the errands and upon arriviving home I bit my tongue through a conversation with my mom, and in between received 5 (yes, 5) phone calls from the photographer for tomorrow. Signed onto myspace to find a really contradictory email in my inbox... interesting. Remembered about the car key and went to retrieve it under the mat, which I found sealed in an envelope that said "Hope you're doing well. Thought I should give this back," and it occured to me how big of an impact seeing someone's handwriting can be. Shudder.

Which brings me to here, where I am sitting and anxiously (emphasis on the first two syllables please) awaiting the next two days: first the photoshoot tomorrow for which I have been given meticulous instructions on how soft she likes the eyeliner to be ('not too hard, but not too soft... and not all the way around..), how contrasty I should go with the eyeshadow, where the blush should be placed on the cheekbone, etc (albeit great instructions, but making me just the tiniest bit edgy about the whole thing) and Saturday's wedding, for which I still do not have a date.... and who to even ask? My options are limited to some kind of strange circumstances and I'm not sure I should even bring someone because of that.... but do I really want to go alone?

Yes, just a little bit anxious.

I will be thrilled when Saturday night arrives and I am partying it up with my coworkers at a lavish wedding (oh! Also my three weeks will be up and I'll get to drink again, hurray!), and Sunday when I meet up with friends at Study Hall to watch the SuperBowl and eat nachos.

(Big sigh of relief pending, stay tuned)

The rest is still unwritten.

I have this feeling that something big is about to happen.

I think its a combination of a lot of circumstances. After a really rough year, I've taken the past few months to regain my balance and composure and now that I've reached an acceptable level of ok-ness it's time for my next step. Another part of it is my unfulfillment in my job; the fact that my eyes are wide open looking for the next positive opportunity that may come along. I'm well aware that my mindset controls my every thought, every action that takes place in my life, and being a very impulsive person my mindset tends to change without a second's notice. So having reached this point where I'm feeling unappreciated doing my full time job, noncommittal about where I'm building a clientele, and overall unsettled about where I am and what I'm doing here, its no surprise that I'm wondering if this is where I belong. On top of all that, I'm in a place right now where I'm not desperately looking for someone, nor am I unavailable, and I'm definitely not just going to jump head first into something I feel so-so about it, but I'd be happy to start something with someone if they were the right person for me. I have room to be picky because I'm not in any rush.

So it feels like something big is on the horizon.... could it be a move? A new job? A boyfriend? Only time will tell.

Today is where your book begins....
The rest is still unwritten.

Can you hear me?

He is amazing.

• He is someone I can hardly take my eyes off of, not just because I am so attracted to him, but because of how he makes the butterflies in my stomach flutter when our eyes meet.
• He's so charming, so full of charisma, that wherever he goes people want to know him.
• He's got spunk, and class, he can talk to anyone about anything. He has a great general knowledge of the world and what's happening in it, and an open mind about ideas different than his own.
• He's mature and together but he has a side of him that is still a child.
• He has a career, not just a job, that he has worked towards and gained momentum in,
  where he is respected and appreciated, and his mind is always on his next step.
  He takes care of himself physically and emotionally, and he's stable and mellow
  and hardly ever gets mad. He's got confidence and a little ego but not excessive
  pride. He can dish it out as well as take it, he doesn't take things personally.
  He trusts me, and when we go out together and I'm talking to other people he isn't looking at me because he thinks he has to make sure I'm not doing anything he wouldn't like, but because he can hardly keep his eyes off me. He's crazy about me. And although it might look like I don't notice because I'm too wrapped up in my conversation, I always know he's looking at me and secretly I'm feeling completely adored.
• I'm able to me just as much myself around him as I am around any of my friends, or alone. I can tell him anything without fear of being judged or looked down on.
• He knows that there is a perfect balance for me of being independent and taken care of and he knows when to let me handle things myself and when to look out for me.
• He's flexible and spontaneous enough to be able to pick up and go to away for the weekend to Vegas or Tahoe, he loves to travel and plan adventures for us. He makes me feel safe.
• The things he says are never just for my benefit or because he's trying to score points, he only says exactly how he feels. He's completely honest and straightforward with me, which means I'm never worried that he's upset or annoyed about something and I'm not aware of it.
• He is very conscious of doing the little things, like getting my car washed while I'm at work or waking me up with breakfast, and knows that they mean more to me than the occasional expensive gift or showy dinner.
• He's totally respectful. He's stylish and handsome and his smile makes me melt a little bit every time I see it.
• He thinks I make him the luckiest guy in the world and when he tells me that I laugh and kiss him, but deep down I know that I couldn't possibly be luckier.
• He is my best friend,
• my confidant,
• my shoulder to cry on,
• my big spoon,
• my body guard,
• my partner in crime,
• the love of my life.

I love him.

I haven't met him yet.

He's my ideal guy. He isn't perfect because no one is, but he's perfect for me. He's out there somewhere, and since everything happens for a reason I know that the paths I choose are leading me to him. I know he's out there and I'm going to find him.

Someday.

Every Journey Begins With One Step.

It's just after midnight and newly January 22nd.

I got home a few minutes ago from another weekend out of town, my favorite lately. This one was spent in Orange County and San Diego with friends. The drive back, which as usual took place in the dark on a nearly empty freeway, prompted the usual self reflection period that allows me to clear my head, step back, and take an introspective look at where I am and where I am going.

It's hard, in the midst of life, to look at your position in it objectively and consider if where you are is where is best for you. I realized that above everything else, in the broadest sense, the one thing that is important in my life is to move forward. The last thing I will ever want to be is stagnant. When I come to a point where I feel like i'm standing in one place, doing one thing, and I know that it's getting me nowhere fast, I know its time to make a change.

The more I thought about my life and where I am, the more I realized that I need to make changes in all different aspects - my career, my mindset, the people around me, the way I prioritize the things in my life... and I know that many times my thoughts go by the wayside unless I get them down in solid form.

So here goes. The title of this new blog I think is appropriate - the most fitting translation in Latin for "moving forward."

Promoveo Promovi Promotum.